Born to be close: Understanding babies, biology and sleep

Many aspects of parenting and caring for infants has a basis in our evolutionary biology. Contact naps, co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand are practices that have been common in human societies for generations, and continue to be in many cultures, and they are natural and nurturing ways to care for babies.

However modern life, unrealistic expectations of both babies, and parents (financial need to return to work, pressure to get babies 'sleeping through', or sleeping in their own beds without support) mean many new parents feel very conflicted between their natural instincts to hold, nurture and keep their babies close, and societal pressure to 'train' them to sleep well and not need to be held all the time.

Hopefully this blog will help explain why your baby behaves the way they do, where these societal pressures come from, and how you can best manage your little ones needs without compromising your own.

Contact naps

Babies, like many animals, often benefit from close physical contact with their caregivers. Skin-to-skin contact can promote bonding, regulate a baby's temperature, and provide comfort. Many parents find that carrying their babies in a sling or baby carrier can be a practical way to do this, and still manage other things too.

Co-sleeping

Safe co-sleeping, or sharing a sleeping space with your baby, can work for some families. It can make breastfeeding more convenient and promote nighttime bonding. However, it's crucial to follow safe co-sleeping guidelines to reduce the risk of accidents, such as suffocation. Every family should assess their own situation in order to make an informed decision. The Lullaby Trust has excellent advice on safe sleeping, here.

Breastfeeding to sleep

Breastfeeding is not only a source of nutrition but also provides comfort and emotional bonding for babies. Breastfeeding to sleep is a common practice and can be beneficial in terms of soothing a baby and encouraging them to sleep. Breastmilk also contains melatonin at night which can help babies settle to sleep quicker.

Bestselling author and paediatrician Carlos González in the parenting book Kiss Me: How to Raise Your Children with Love writes, ‘Mothers who left their children alone for more than a few minutes soon had no children. Their genes were eliminated by natural selection. By contrast, the genes that compelled mothers to stay with their children were passed down to numerous descendants. You are one of those descendants. Modern women have a natural genetic inclination to stay with their children.’

Babies feel safest when held and kept close to their food source and comfort. From an evolutionary perspective, it is reasonable to suggest that babies who stayed close to protective adults were more likely to receive the care and protection they needed to survive. So it's no surprise that babies still have a natural instinct to be close to their parents where they can be kept safe, warm and fed. It does not mean you have created a ‘bad habit’ or that your baby is manipulating you. It is simply one of the ways babies communicate their biological needs.

A great way to illustrate this is to look at the 4 categories of mammals (Cache, Follow, Nest and Carry), and how they nurture their young:

Cache mammals are quite mature at birth and are hidden for safety and left by their mothers for up to 12 hours (deer, rabbits etc). Because of this, cache mammals have very fatty milk that fills their babies up and keeps them quiet for long periods while they’re away, and they only need to feed infrequently.

Follow mammals are able to stand and follow their mothers very soon after birth (giraffes, horses etc) and feed more frequently. Their milk has a slightly lower fat content than cache mammals.

Nest mammals are fairly immature when born, they need the warmth and safety of the nest and their siblings to survive and the mother returns frequently to feed (dogs, birds, mice etc), Their milk is lower in fat than cache or follow mammals, hence needing to feed more often.

Carry mammals (kangaroos, monkeys etc) keep their young close, and carry their babies until they are stronger and more physically able to fend for themselves. Their milk contains much lower levels of fat and so their babies need to feed very frequently.

Humans are carry mammals. Human babies are relatively immature and dependent when they are born compared with many other mammals, and they rely heavily on their caregivers for warmth, protection, feeding and regulation. This is partly related to the way human babies develop before and after birth. Human babies are born at a stage where their brains and bodies still have significant development to do, and they continue to mature rapidly during the early months and years of life.

This is one of the reasons we often talk about the ‘4th trimester’, the first three months after birth, when babies are particularly dependent on their caregivers. Human breast milk is also relatively low in fat and protein compared with the milk of some other mammals, and babies therefore tend to need to feed frequently. Frequent feeding is very normal for newborns and helps support their rapid growth and development.

Because newborn babies are biologically adapted to seek close contact with their caregivers, babies often settle more easily when they are held, carried or close to a familiar adult. Their developing nervous systems mean that they rely heavily on their caregivers for warmth, regulation, feeding and a sense of security.

This doesn't mean that babies are incapable of being put down, or that they must be held for every sleep. However, it helps explain why a young baby may wake or become unsettled when placed down, particularly when they have fallen asleep in a caregiver's arms, and then that warmth and closeness disappears. However, swaddling and white noise can both help with this transition. Wearing your baby in a sling can also meet your babies need for closeness but still allow you to do other things.

Current safer sleep guidance recommends that babies have their own clear, flat, separate sleep space, in the same room as their parent or carer for at least the first six months. Room sharing allows babies to remain close to their caregiver while also providing a safer sleep environment. Co sleeping suits some families but please follow all guidelines given by The Lullaby Trust on how to make this safer.

During the day, responsive contact, cuddling, carrying and skin-to-skin can all be great ways of meeting a baby's need for closeness. These practices are consistent with what we know about infant biology and the very different sleep and feeding patterns of young babies compared with older children and adults.

Popular beliefs about when babies should be ‘sleeping through the night’ are based on studies conducted in the 1950s and 1960s on groups of formula-fed babies, plus again, that pressure on parents to return to work and get babies to sleep through the night so they can manage this.

Sleep training is a concept that emerged from changing values, shifting cultural norms, and the beliefs of prominent physicians in the late 1800s and early 1900s. It has then been further popularised by childcare ‘experts’ and modern parenting books stating babies can or even should be sleeping through by 3 months etc but without any consideration for normal human baby behaviour. It's important to remember that it is perfectly normal for babies – especially breastfed babies – to wake and feed at night throughout at least the first year (and sometimes beyond, into the second year of life!)

So how can you meet your baby's needs while looking after yourself?

Understanding the biology behind your baby's behaviour can be reassuring, but it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your own needs. Responsive parenting is not about being available every second of the day, nor does it mean you have to follow one particular approach to sleep, feeding or settling. It is about getting to know your baby, responding to their needs as best you can, and finding ways of caring for yourself at the same time.

Here are a few things that can help:

Make contact practical

If your baby loves being held, a sling or baby carrier can allow you to have them close while giving you some freedom to move around. Skin-to-skin, cuddles and contact don't have to happen only when you are sitting still.

Share the load

Babies need responsive care, but that care doesn't always have to come from one person. If you have a partner, family member or trusted friend who can help, let them take over some of the holding, settling, playing or practical jobs. You don't have to do everything yourself.

Create opportunities for rest

You don't necessarily need to sleep whenever your baby sleeps, but try to protect some opportunities for rest. A shower, a cup of tea, sitting quietly for ten minutes or having someone else look after your baby while you have a nap can all make a difference.

Remember that putting your baby down is ok!

If you need to eat, go to the toilet, have a shower or simply take a few minutes to yourself, it is absolutely fine to put your baby down somewhere safe. Your baby may protest, and that doesn't mean you are damaging your bond or ignoring their needs. You can respond to them when you are able to.

Don't compare your baby with someone else's

Some babies need more contact, feed more frequently or wake more often than others. There is a huge range of normal infant behaviour, and your friend's baby sleeping for longer doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong.

Accept help with the things that don't need to be done by you

If someone offers to cook, do the washing, walk the dog or pick up some shopping, let them. Your energy is valuable, and accepting practical help can give you more capacity to respond to your baby.

Look after your emotional wellbeing too

Your baby's needs matter, but so do yours. If you are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted or as though you are struggling to cope, tell someone. Your partner, family, health visitor or GP can all be sources of support. Asking for help is not a sign that you are failing. It is part of caring for both yourself and your baby.

Perhaps most importantly, remember that you don't have to choose between being responsive to your baby and looking after yourself. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and there is no single way to raise a baby. You can offer your baby warmth, closeness, comfort and responsive care while also having boundaries, resting when you can and accepting help. It's also important to recognise that all babies have different needs and temperaments. What works for one family or baby may not work for another - even two separate babies within the same family!

Ultimately, the most important thing is to be responsive to your baby's needs and adapt your parenting practices to what works best for your unique situation. Consulting with your healthcare professionals and trusted sources for guidance can also be helpful in making informed decisions on how best to manage your little one's sleep.

For safe sleep guidance, please visit www.lullabytrust.org.uk